There's just something about Castle
by Googie
Summary: Kate is confused.  She has Josh, and he's great, but Castle is back and she just doesn't know what to do, because as much as she likes Josh, there's just something about Castle... **Chapter 4 now up; goes through episode 6. Contains spoilers for ep. 5&6.
1. Chapter 1

_This was written between episodes 4 and 5 of season 3, when we've been introduced to Josh, but don't know much about him. I tried to speculate on Kate's feelings and (I hope) confusion over how Castle fits into her life. Hope you enjoy!_

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Kate Beckett was torn. And confused. And her confusion all led back to one man...Rick Castle. As it had for well over a year. Only now, the confusion was of a personal nature instead of a professional one.

The man had confused her since he started shadowing her over two years ago. She was trying to do a job-an important job-and she didn't need a little puppy tagging along after her. Especially a puppy that didn't know how to shut up sometimes. But geez, if she were to be honest, she'd have to admit that Castle's unique way of looking at things had helped out a bit once or twice. Or more than that. Okay, a lot. Yep, he was like a regular, if unorthodox, member of her team, and somewhere along the line, she had grown to value his insights.

But somewhere along the line, his professional insights had gone personal. She couldn't pinpoint a specific thing or time, but she definitely classified him in more than just a 'work' file folder in her head. But what was the label on that other file folder? She didn't know. She just knew that there was one, and it was marked 'personal'.

That personal folder had received some charring when he'd gone off with his ex for the summer. She was ready to go away with him, to put it all out there (or most of it, anyway) and see where things led. Instead, she was treated to a summer alone in New York, working extremely long hours to try to erase the feeling of stupidity that she felt whenever she thought of the conversation she had been about to have with him, only to see him leave with his ex wife (amidst her promise to 'stay on top of him').

So she threw herself into her work. She welcomed the distraction, although sometimes it seemed to her that welcoming her work (murder) actually seemed a bit morbid. But oh, well, it worked at numbing her, distracting her, taking up her time. And it was the reason she met Josh.

Toward the end of the summer, she had a strange case about a murder victim with a congenital heart defect. It was an odd and complicated case, and she sought the advice of a cardiac surgeon. Josh came highly recommended and was happy to meet with her on her tight schedule despite the fact that his was equally as busy. She was immediately intrigued with him...his knowledge, his charm, and of course his looks didn't hurt anything. When he called her the day after their meeting and asked her out, she realized she had spent enough of the summer moping around and trying to forget a certain writer-who-ran-off-with-his-ex, and she accepted.

He was soooo not what she expected, and not what she was used to. He picked her up on his bike, and they rode around all day, getting out of the city, stopping in little towns and looking around. They stopped by a lake and went wading (no, she wasn't going to go skinny-dipping with him, much as she wouldn't mind watching him, she just wasn't comfortable with that yet). They found a little general store and got scoops of the best ice cream she had had in a long time. It was a mellow day, and she could think of worse ways to spend her day than with her arms wrapped around his well-developed torso as they meandered through the countryside on a vintage Harley.

That wonderful summer interlude was almost two months ago, but it was a nice memory. She still saw Josh. Not a lot, but occasionally. He knew about Rick, how he had been following her but was taking a break. He knew about Heat Wave, and about how she was the inspiration.

When she stumbled upon Rick in the murder victim's apartment and he became involved in the case again, she didn't mention it to Josh right away. She was consumed with the case, and he was covering for another surgeon anyway and was working insane hours, just as she was. Despite having the old Castle wounds open up again when she saw him, in a way she was grateful that he was back, because there was nobody else that she could go toe-to-toe with in terms of ideas, hypotheses, and reasonings, and she'd missed that, much as she might hate to admit it. She missed his off-the-wall ideas, those ideas that sometimes were so off-the-wall that they were true (truth is stranger than fiction, after all). When he kept showing up, she decided to throw caution to the wind and she made the bet with him. And then she let him win the bet so he'd keep working with her. She told herself that it was because she loved the challenge of working with him, at how he made her really think and think outside the box to solve the difficult ones.

They had a few cases together and she truly did enjoy working with him again. Sure, he got on her nerves a bit, but he still made her think, and he made her be a better cop because she was thinking outside the box. Josh was busy lately and they hadn't been able to connect much.

But then came the day when Josh found her at the precinct. Technically, he surprised her, but she knew it was inevitable that her family of coworkers (and Castle) would find out about him eventually. She LOVED how Josh handled Castle's questioning. But she didn't like the looks she got from Montgomery, Ryan and Esposito. She'd meant to mention something to them, but the time had never been right. So now she was forced into the quick introduction and the even quicker exit as everyone was watching and waiting for more.

And now...she has this great guy...Josh. He's truly awesome. And he's not hard to look at: the male version of eye candy. He's smart, he's successful, and he's a bit of a rebel. He's good to her, and he can handle her schedule because he has one that's equally as weird. He's great. So why does she find that her mind strays back to Castle every so often?

At the hospital, she asked Castle what he did this morning, after bragging that Josh saved someone's life. That was petty and low of her, and she wasn't normally like that. She regretted it instantly, but seemed to not be able to help herself, especially after the crack he made about Josh's specialty. What made her say that? Especially to the man who brought her coffee each morning, who didn't HAVE to be there but was anyway. Just because Josh saved someone's life...well, that was awesome. But it was also what he did, what he was trained to do. Castle had saved HER life several times, the most recent being when he moseyed back into her life during the counterfeiting case. And he saved it not once, but twice in about a 5 minute span of time. With no training except his own smarts. But did she ever really thank him for that? No, she didn't, but she never did. It was just part of their unspoken...what? Comraderie? Bond? Who knows?

She was more comfortable around Castle than she had ever been, but she was also more cautious about crossing that line into her personal life. She certainly didn't want to get blindsided again like she did when he ran off with Gina just as she was about to bare her soul to him. What now?

There was just something about Castle...

Even though she had Josh now, and he was just, well, awesome (not to mention yummy to look at)...she still couldn't help but wonder about...other things. Other people. And she wanted to smack some sense into herself.

She'd never let on to anyone, but she was really torn. Josh was a great guy, but for some reason, she couldn't stop thinking about Rick. He was there every day, helping her with cases again, and she realized that she had missed him during his absence. She wished he knew what he was thinking, especially when he first met Josh, and questioned him. But why did she want to know what he was thinking? Why did she care? Why would it matter, if she was with Josh?

Damn.

There was just something about Castle...

She resigned herself to the fact that at some point, she was going to have to find out what that something was. Sometimes, before Josh, she'd imagined that the 'something' was some uncontrollable lust or even romantic feelings. For Rick Castle. Ugh. And she was ready to test that out, but then he up and left, with his ex. She was hurt, she knew that. But she was smart enough to know that now that he was back and she was around him again, those feelings were still there, despite the fact that she was technically dating Josh. And at some point, she would have to figure out exactly what her feelings for Rick Castle were, and how strong they still were. She just hoped that she didn't have to hurt someone in the process.

But, geez, what was it about Castle that made her forget everything else?

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_That's it. I suppose I could continue it, but I wasn't sure if it was interesting enough for a second chapter. Please let me know what you think...reviews are greatly appreciated since I'm still very new at this. Thanks!_

There's just something about Castle...


	2. Chapter 2

_I had originally intended to wait until after the next episode airs to update this story, but I figured the topic would be OK where it was now: this is Lanie's response to hearing about Josh, but not from Beckett. Please review...I'm still new enough at this where the reviews really matter. Thank you!_

_And of course, I do not own Castle or any of the characters._

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Kate walked into the morgue, responding to Lanie's request that she come down as soon as she could. She saw her friend reviewing some papers in a file folder as she approached. "Hey, I'm here. What's up?"

Lanie looked up from her papers and fixed her unsmiling gaze on Kate. Slowly, she set the folder down, her eyes never wavering from Kate's.

"What's up?" She leaned back and crossed her arms, looking highly irritated. "Girl, you tell me. Two days ago I hear about Mr. Hunk-o-rama picking you up after work. And who do I hear about it from? Certainly not YOU! Girl, you've been holding out on me. I tried to give you time to tell me on your own, but the clock has run out. What did you do, glue your lips shut? I want answers, and I want them now."

Kate inwardly groaned and closed her eyes. This wasn't going to be easy.

Lanie knew just about everything about her issues with Castle, how she broke up with Demming to go with him to the Hamptons, only to have him sashay off with his ex right in front of her nose. She knew how much it took for Kate to make the decision to put all her feelings out there with him, and then to be thwarted at the last minute, in the worst possible way. She knew how Kate retreated into herself, and her work, after that. So, looking at the grim set of Lanie's lips and hearing the clipped tone she used, tinged with just a little bit of hurt, the fact that Lanie did NOT know anything about Josh was not a fact she was proud of.

How could she explain? Maybe it was best to just start straight from the heart. "Lanie, I'm sorry. I should have said something about him. I met him later this summer...a couple of months ago. I met him through work, but then we started doing some things together. Light...fun. I'm sorry, I should have said something about him..."

"Damn straight you should have said something!" Lanie interruped.

"I know...I should have, and looking back now, it just seems stupid. But at the time, it was almost like self-preservation, you know? Everyone-all of you-watched that little episode between me and Castle last May before he left. As if it wasn't bad enough to have him leave with his ex-wife, right when I was going to go out on a limb and give him a chance, it just had to happen with everyone watching. All of you KNEW what I was going to tell him! It took me a long while to get back to feeling anything like normal around here, like people weren't watching me and remembering the "Castle Exodus". It was a hard time for me, you know? If I went home, I just saw his books and thought about him, and how I really screwed up in not recognizing things sooner, and admitting to myself how I felt. But if I came here, then I was constantly reminded of him...his chair, the murder board, and especially the last time I saw him, when he left with that bimbo. So when I met Josh, even though it wasn't-or isn't-anything serious, I just couldn't stand to even bring him up. I didn't want the looks, or the pity, or the wondering if I was on the rebound. I didn't want whispers behind my back, and I didn't want the speculation. I just wanted to keep him secret, private. But I should have said something to you, I know that now." She sighed and finished softly "I'm sorry."

At Kate's words, Lanie exhaled a long breath, and as she did that, some of the annoyance and sternness left her face. She reached out to rub Kate's arm, and then let her hand drop. "Aw, honey, I know that whole thing was hard on you. But you knew I was always here...if you were still going through all that, why didn't you tell me? The whole thing sucked, I get that. I really get that." She thought carefully before she formulated her next words. "But as much as I get why you were cautious, what I don't get it why you still didn't say anything, anytime within the last two months? I gotta say, girl, that I still think there's more left to this whole Castle thing than you're letting on, hunky boyfriend or no hunky boyfriend."

Lanie certainly cut to the chase. Which, if she was honest with herself, was probably one reason why Kate had, in fact, not told her about Josh. If she was actually wondering about how she felt about Castle, then it was a pretty sure bet that everyone else was wondering about him too. She had all but welcomed him back at the precinct with open arms, despite the fact that he was still getting shifty looks from everyone else. Heck, even she had started getting shifty looks, especially from Esposito when he asked her if she'd let Castle win the bet. But during that whole thing with Castle, him coming back, getting arrested, starting to work with them again...Josh had been there, in the background, in secret. WHY hadn't she said anything about him to anyone?

Kate closed her eyes and put her hands over her face. "Lanie, I just don't know. I'm so sick of saying that, but it's true. There's just something about Castle, but damned if I know what it is. He came back here, totally by accident, but then I went out on a limb and let him work with us again, and it was just like old times. For some really odd reason that I can't explain, I'm even more comfortable with him, despite everything that happened...and didn't happen. Despite Josh. But Josh is there, and now I just don't know. He's a great guy. But I don't know what it is about Castle. You KNOW what happened at the beginning of the summer. I mean, that was the PITS. But now he's back, and sometimes, it's almost like it didn't happen. The old...whatever...is still there. We still can work together, we can solve the cases, and we can have a bit of fun doing it. But the rest of it...I don't know. What do I do?"

Lanie let out a slow exhale. "I don't know. Only you can answer that. Not what you wanted to hear, I'm sure. But remember, I'm still reeling from this new-hunky-man-Josh thing, so my advice may be a little off. But I have to say, if you can go out with hunky-man, be a wild woman with him, give him your all, and NOT think about Castle, then you should go for hunky-man. But if you're still thinking about Castle, at all, trying to be around him, any of that...well, then you need to do some serious thinking about the writer-boy vs. hunky-man."

Kate chuckled and said sarcastically, "Oh, gee, thanks so much for _helping_, Lanie. I knew I could count on you to make it easier."

Lanie laid another stern look on Kate and raised her hand to point at her. "Girl, don't you even try to think of putting this on anyone else. This is ALL on you. Sure, Castle might be a little dense. Hey, sometimes you gotta spell it out for them, you know that. But you're keeping him around for something...listen to that. Hunky-man may be nice to look at, but while he's hunky, he's no Richard Castle, best-selling author, star assistant to the star homicide detectives. Listen to that too."

Kate was silent for a minute or two, reflecting on what Lanie had said. "I know you're right, on some level, but I don't know where to begin. Castle...ugh. Really, how can I trust him after the bimbo thing?"

Lanie gave her an uncertain look. "I don't know. I really don't. But just realize that you can't do anything until you figure out where writer-boy fits into your life, and how you feel about him. If you have a good time with hunky-man, then have a good time with him. But don't lead him on, and don't do anything you'll regret later. And I have to say, if you ever figure out without a doubt that you want writer-boy, really and truly, then I'm behind you, 100%. But you actually have to do something about it, and TELL him. Even if there's a blonde bimbo next to him. Girl, you are a kick ass and take no prisoners homicide detective, and if you want to tell him you got the hots for him and want to go have monkey sex with him at his estate, then I damn well expect you to do it! You had your try at chickening out. The next time is for real. Don't waste it, and make me proud!"

Kate cringed a bit at how forthright Lanie was, but at the same time, she was grateful. She could always count on Lanie for a virtual kick in the pants to set her straight and make her think.

"Lanie, I still don't know. But there's no hurry, right?" She looked at Lanie expectantly, who shook her head in agreement. "I can still have a casual good time with Josh while I can figure out how much I can trust Castle. There's just something about him..." she trailed off as she looked off in the distance, as if remembering something. Coming back to the present, she continued seriously "I just don't want to hurt anyone."

Lanie smiled compassionately. "I know, honey. But there's no time limit on this. Just see where it goes. Let's see what Castle is like now, and let's see if hunky-man has any flaws you just can't get past. Who knows? Maybe hunky-man has warts all over his ass or...other parts."

Kate rolled her eyes before laughing. "Thanks, Lanie. And I am really sorry I didn't tell you about Josh earlier."

"Honey, I don't like it, but I can understand. But don't let it happen again. Now please figure out your love life before I turn 50, will you? This whole thing is starting to sound like a freaking soap opera, with you as the star."

Kate nodded at her as the image of a dark-haired, muscled guy on a Harley filled her mind, but gave a couple of blinks at the image in her mind was quickly replaced with the image of a certain writer, leaning back in the chair next to her desk, giving her one of his cocky grins that said that he was having as much fun as she was.

Yep, there was just something about Castle...


	3. Chapter 3

_Takes place immediately post 3X05: Anatomy of a Murder. Lots of spoilers for that episode._

_Before writing the third chapter of this fic, I was waiting for the next episode of the show to air so I could build on the Josh thing. Surprisingly to me, there was really no mention of him aside from what was in the preview!_

_But, also surprisingly, there was a couple of really good scenes, very well played by the actors to let you know what they're thinking merely by the expressions on their faces. In this chapter, I'll try to expand on those 'meaningful looks'. I hope I can do a good job._

_Thanks to all of those who have read and reviewed so far...I love reading the reviews and they really make me want to write more, so please review and let me know what you think! (But, please do be gentle!)_

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Kate had a few minutes to just sit and catch her breath while she waited for some phone calls to be returned. Castle had taken off with Ryan to look at a long forgotten sandwich in the fourth floor breakroom fridge that reportedly was growing mold in such a way that it looked like Lady GaGa. Esposito was at his desk, but he was engrossed in catching up on his paperwork.

She leaned over her desk and rested her chin on her folded hands. She wondered what kind of strange karma it was that they snagged a case involving lovers separated by unfortunate timing and circumstances. No, she and Castle weren't lovers. Not even close. But she could really relate to the unfortunate timing aspect of it. And who knows what would have happened on the 'lover' front all of those months ago if the timing hadn't been so unfortunate? In a way, it was really strange thinking about that time now, and in those terms, especially with all that's happened since then. But when they started reading those letters, and talking about the relationship between Amy and Greg, she got a little carried away with the obvious love they felt, because it really was touching. They never gave up on each other, and that was really sweet.

But she's dating Josh now, and Castle is involved with Gina again. Still, that didn't seem to factor into her thought process when they started reading the letters aloud to each other. Then came that one line that Castle read, and somehow, for a split second, it stopped being Greg's letter, and it seemed, for that split second, like the words Castle was speaking were going right to her, from him.

_"I don't believe in much, but I believe in us. No matter the obstacles, no matter how hard you try, you won't get rid of me. I love you."_

He looked at her as he was reading it, and they could both see the point at which the other really, truly realized what was just said. Castle got a deer-in-the-headlights, oh-shit-did-I-just-say-that type of look and quickly turned away. Kate had to admit that even though she was so not ready for any grand declarations, nor would she have even believed them, she felt a twinge of disappointment when he very quickly declared that "You're right. These are...worthless." She was feeling a tinge sentimental after reading the letters, and it stung a bit to hear him dismiss their feelings so abruptly, using the word 'worthless.' She was disappointed. But she recovered quickly, as she always did, and they even went on to find the Burgeropolis angle. And even though they quicky dismissed it, she thought enough of the idea to stake it out, and it paid off nicely. Once again, one of Castle's strange ideas came through to help break the case. She shook her head and smiled to herself.

She had to admit that it felt good to see Amy and Greg together, even though they were handcuffed to opposite ends of the holding room bench. She was glad she'd taken Castle's suggestion and pulled up Amy's case. Anyone could see the inconsistencies, and it was a good be that they'd be able to get the case reopened. The fact that they had survived three years apart, and had gone to this extreme to be together again was a testament to their committment, if she admitted it, actually tugged at her heartstrings a little bit, especially after reading their letters. It felt good to do something positive for this couple, and for some reason, it felt really good to her to be able to collaborate with Castle on that good deed.

Listening to Castle and Esposito talk later was kind of funny. Castle looked so crushed and betrayed when Espo told him that he wouldn't help Castle break out of the hypothetical prison. The look on his face was comical, like a boy who had his favorite Star Wars toy broken by the bully. She even felt kind of sorry for him. What confused her was right afterwards, when she made the flip comment of not to worry, she would get him out. She was walking away, and thought he would follow her, as he usually did, but she had to turn around when she realized he wasn't next to her as he usually was. And the look on his face gave her a moment of pause. It seemed...incredulous, as if he couldn't believe what she said. Almost reverent, as if she had just told him that he'd won the Nobel Prize for mystery fiction or something like that. She really did not know what was up with that look; it was just a flip little comment, but it obviously had some huge effect on him. He seemed really shaken up by it. Of course, as soon as she asked, he trotted after her like he always did.

But she had to admit that she wondered about the look later, after he had gone home, when she was left to tie up a few loose ends. Instead of tying up those loose ends, or calling Josh to see if he had any plans, she took some time to just think about this case. It was weird how they had formed a theory about Greg, about how he was a womanizer, playing the field, befriending all of these highly successful and accomplished women so that he had them eating out of his hand. He was good with the ladies, a lot like a certain mystery writer that she knew. But when it came right down to it, when they had dug a little deeper, they found that good old Greg wasn't the womanizer that they thought he was. Not in the least. He merely portrayed an image of the attentive, suave womanizer, but in reality he cultivated platonic, friendly relationships with those women, but only so they could help him achieve his ultimate goal of helping his one true love: Amy. For just a moment, for a split second, Kate gave a fleeting thought to the idea that maybe Castle was more like Greg; maybe he didn't play the field nearly as much as he bragged about. Maybe it WAS a lot of bluster and talk, and that's all it was. And before she pushed it away into the 'feelings that are too complicated to deal with now' section of her heart, she found that she was a little bit warmed and touched by that idea. Even though she would never admit it to anyone, least of all herself.

She'd seen a new side to Castle on this case, and really, she'd seen a new side to herself. If not for him, she may not have gone the extra mile to check into Amy's old case file. And she was so glad that she did...it was a good feeling. Even though Amy's case actually had nothing to do with the murder, Kate had solved two cases with Castle's help. And the best part was, once again, how they played off each other and complement each other so well to ultimately find the solution. She didn't know why, but she even seemed to work with him better now than she did before he left last summer. You'd think there would be more tension considering how things were left, at least on her part, but strangely, it wasn't the case. He made things fun again. She didn't know what it was, but there was just something about Castle...

Sometimes, she wondered if she'd ever find out what that 'something' was. But until then, she had to admit that she enjoyed having him back and enjoyed having him help her out and inject his unique brand of wit and creative thinking into her work. Because it was work, that's all it was, but work could still be enjoyable, right? No personal stuff. Right. Exactly. And while she was effective at solving cases at work and was having fun, then she wasn't going to mess with it. Don't fix what ain't broken, right?


	4. Chapter 4

_Originally, this was started in response to the appearance of Josh, Beckett's new boyfriend. But then, Josh disappeared and hasn't been in the last couple of episodes, so it's been harder to write this from that angle. So I've tried to do what I did with the first couple of chapters and touch on Beckett's uncertain feelings for Castle._

_I'd love reviews so I know if you like it. I love writing these, but I'd rather write stuff that people like. So if you like it, please let me know; if not, I guess I'll know by bad reviews or lack of reviews._

_I am trying to keep these true to the timeline of the show (with the exception of chapter 2). So obviously, I can only update about once per week, unless there's a really good episode with a lot of Castle/Beckett stuff in it where I just can't finish it all in one chapter._

_Caution: contains many spoilers for 3X06._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle; I just like to write stuff about an awesome show._

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The Triple Killer was back. And of course, Beckett thought, within literally moments after seeing the body, Castle had it pegged as him. Sure, she saw the body, the way it was posed and the ugly marks on the victim's neck, and she made the fleeting connection in her mind before dismissing it as an overactive imagination. But when the the original overactive imagination personified-Castle-walked up and immediately made the same connection she did, she began to rethink her quick dismissal. She even asked Lanie to look into a possible connection. Of course, she wasn't going to tell Castle that, but she got a good internal chuckle at the look on his face when Lanie revealed that she had indeed ran with his idea about a connection.

So often, their ideas were in sync. It was weird how easily they worked together now, especially after his four month hiatus. It was weird how she could count on him to provide the missing pieces to make the puzzle fit together. It was even more weird how she DID count on him. Sure, she got short with him and gave him a hard time, but that was just what she did. It was how they interacted...he was the funny one who got out of line and she was the serious one who kept him in line. He was just goofy; it was as much a part of him as his brown hair. Like when they searched a murder victim's couch for clues and he exclaimed excitedly when he found...a penny? Really, Castle.

But to give credit where credit is due, they never would have searched the couch unless Castle hadn't noticed the pillow disarray and made the connection that it wasn't normal. Castle strikes again. Sometimes she hated to admit it, but when it comes to noticing the really strange clues, or making the really far mental reaches, there was just something about Castle and his methods. She didn't know what it was, exactly, but she knew that whatever it was, it certainly worked. And she didn't want to lose that. She had come to count on it. She had come to count on him.

For several agonizing minutes tonight, she thought she had lost him. Lost him before she even knew what that "thing" was between them. Her heart was lodged in her throat after she and Esposito flew out of the precinct after getting the call from Martha and putting everything together. After the call from Martha, she looked at Esposito and saw her own worry reflected in his face. All at once, the pieces made sense. All during the drive to the motel, she had that feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach...she didn't know what she would find in that hotel room. She even sent up a few silent prayers that he...uh, that _they_ would be OK. Esposito was worried too...he even told her, trying to sound convincing, 'they'll be fine, just keep that thought in your head. They'll be fine."

She took the steps to the room two at a time, and she put all of her worry, fear and dread into her leg when she kicked in the door. "Castle!", she screamed. She didn't even wait to make sure Esposito was ready. She had to get in that room. After the door slammed open, she saw Castle sitting there, seemingly fine although incapacitated by being bound to the chair. Despite Castle saying that Ryan was hurt, she still instinctively went to Castle to untie his restraints. She just HAD to get to him, it was a need, like the need for air. She had to see if he was OK. Ryan was one of her fellow officers...even though she knew Esposito was there, why did she go to Castle first? Why did she work quickly to free Castle from his restraints, but didn't even check on Ryan?

As she untied him, she whispered to him "I'm so glad that you're OK." It was the understatement of the year, but she just didn't know how else to put into words what she was thinking, how immensely relieved she was that she didn't have another murder case on her hands, one with a personal connection. For all of the times when they had come close to getting hurt and had still joked about it, she just couldn't do that same thing now. It was too close, she was too worried. Something had changed.

While they wrapped up the scene, she noticed that Castle had slipped out and was sitting by the pool, just staring into space. It was so uncharacteristic of him, when she had finished what she needed to she grabbed a cup of coffee from the office to take to him. It was a nice gesture, it was a reason to go see him, and it was something to keep her hands occupied so she didn't fidget. She sat down next to him and offered him the coffee.

She couldn't stand it any longer...she had to ask him. The thought had been haunting her, worrying her since she and Esposito had figured out it was Jerry and had subsequently found both Castle and Ryan alive. "Why did he let you live?" It made her wince a little bit inside to ask, because the flip side would be that he was dead and she couldn't stop it.

Kate saw Castle's realization that Jerry would take other innocent lives, as a punishment to Castle for not stopping him or figuring out soon enough that he, Jerry, was the real Triple Killer. She knew he blamed himself. She saw the tortured look on his face. Gone was the cocky, self-assured, fun-loving 9 year old on a sugar rush. She looked at the somber man beside her, insisting that a killer would kill again, and the blame would fall on his own shoulders. There was something about Castle where he could act like a little kid or a court jester trying to make people laugh, but then flip the switch and be deadly serious. And he was deadly serious now, insisting that he hadn't done enough, that he was at fault. Beckett knew that wasn't true, but to convince him...well that wasn't going to be easy.

Once again, they were on the same wavelength; she had, unfortunately "been there, done that" many times. And her heart went out to him, because although she wouldn't wish that feeling of guilt on anyone, she knew how it felt because she had experienced those feelings so many times herself. And she said as much to Castle.

Anyone else would have been looking toward the future, saying "we'll get him next time" and other feel-good, rah-rah platitudes like that. Or they would have offered consoling words, trying to make them feel better. But not Castle and Beckett. Castle didn't say much, but he didn't need to. Beckett knew his guilt, felt it personally. The way she saw it, most of this was on her anyway. SHE was the trained police detective. But there was no sense in arguing about it. She knew that he felt responsible. She offered him what small form of comfort she could give, and tried to find the common ground..."I know the feeling", she told him softly. And with that, he put his hand on hers and held on tightly, giving both them the bond over their common guilt. And they sat like that, in silence, staring into the peaceful water of the pool, until well after the last official vehicle was gone from the scene.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

_Reviews, please? I'd really like to know what you think._


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